Broken
by Love4lupinalways
Summary: Tonks' heart aches as she looks around her empty, lonely flat and remembers him. (warning: fleeting consideration of self harm)


She hadn't seen him in weeks, not since that night he had come to her with tears in his eyes and told her he was going away. They had argued that night, argued more fiercely than they had ever before.

" _I don't understand why, Remus. I just… I don't understand why you're leaving me!"_

" _I'm not leaving you, Dora. I'm going on a mission. It's different. And it has to be me."_

 _Over and over they had made the same arguments, for hours that night, until finally, he had thrown his hands up in the air and growled deep in his throat._

" _Dora, please. This is dangerous, quite possibly the most dangerous mission I've ever been on, and I lived through the first war. I can't do this with anger hanging between us!" He swept her into his arms then and crushed his lips to hers in a bruising kiss. She tried to resist, but it was Remus. There was no resisting the man who had so effectively stolen her heart. The argument quickly devolved into a flurry of torn clothes as they groped at each other, eager to feel skin against skin._

 _She felt her back pressing against the cool wall of her living room and wrapped her thighs around his waist as Remus's teeth worked her throat. It was fast, furious, and over quickly, and Tonks sighed as she rested her forehead against his shoulder._

" _I'm worried," she murmured, afraid to look into his face. His arms curved around her gently and she felt his lips brush her hair._

" _Dora," he whispered, his voice scratchy with emotion. "Dora, look at me, darling," he said as he lifted her chin with a gentle fingertip. "I am too. But I have to do this. It has to be me," his voice grew stronger as he spoke, and the expression on his face shifted from tender emotion to stern acceptance. She dropped her legs from around his waist and stood, bracing her shoulders as she accepted what she couldn't change._

" _When do you leave?" Her voice was nearly unrecognizable and she fought the urge to turn away as hot tears sprung to her eyes. He looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time, and suddenly she didn't want to hear the answer._

 _She turned away from him and stepped towards her bedroom. "Sleep with me," she said softly as she moved into the dark room. She didn't wait to see if he followed, she knew that he would. She climbed onto her bed and curled into a ball, waiting for his weight to join her. When it did, she felt his arm slip around her waist and felt his lips brush her shoulder._

 _"I love you, Dora," he said softly before curling behind her and dragging her more tightly to his chest. Her hand found his and she laced their fingers together as she fought to hold back her tears._

 _"I love you, too, Remus," she answered on a choked breath. Neither spoke again. Eventually, Tonks had drifted off to sleep. When she had awoken, she was alone._

Tonks glanced around her living room, fighting tears as she remembered how they had left things. He had left in the night, sparing them both a painful goodbye and a repeat of the argument they'd had, and part of her was grateful. She wasn't sure she would have been able to let him go if he'd woken her. But a much larger part of her was angry and heartbroken that he hadn't given her the chance to come to terms with it. She understood why he had to go, of course. He was a werewolf. Any wizard to come among them would be torn apart, literally. Remus was the safest choice. As much as he, and she, hated it, his werewolf blood would keep him, if not in their good graces, at least not in their bad.

As a member of the Order, she knew how important his mission was. As a member of the Order, she accepted it and supported it. But as the woman who loved him, Tonks was a mess. She was having trouble separating the two sides of herself, and it was beginning to affect her work. She hadn't been able to morph in weeks, and had been relegated to desk duty and report filing. She had lost weight, her color was poor, she had no appetite. She knew she was wallowing, but she didn't know how to fix it. She didn't think there was anything that would fix it, short of Remus walking through her door. She knew that was impossible, though, and her heart broke a little more each day as she remembered where he was and what he was doing, and that he was doing it without her support.

Suddenly, she was blazing mad. She scooped up a mug and threw it, watching as it crashed against the wall and shattered, and felt marginally better. She glanced around for more missiles and spent the next ten minutes throwing anything breakable she could lay her hand on. Breathing hard, and looking for one last thing to shatter, she glanced down at the mug in her hand. It was Remus's, and it was his favorite. He had left it on her book case, and she hadn't even noticed before. It was painted brown, and in ragged, poorly drawn letters, the words "World's Best Professor" stood out in bright blue. Harry, Hermione and Ron had given it to him when they finished their final exam in their third year, and she knew that Remus treasured it. He used it nearly every morning, and it was one of the few material things he kept close.

Tonks cupped the mug in her hands and dropped to her knees, allowing the tears to come. For several long moments, she sobbed on the floor of her flat, cradling this most treasured possession of his, and remembered the moments they had shared. Once again, she regretted how they had spent their last night together, and the sobs came harder. Eventually, the tears slowed and her sobs quieted. Her nose had begun to run and she knew she looked a complete mess, so she pushed herself to her feet. She set the mug gently back on the shelf and pressed her fingers to her lips before pressing the kiss to the word "Professor", and backed away. She turned to face the window and drew in a couple deep, steadying breathes before turning back to the sight of her destructive rage. Mugs, glasses, plates, and picture frames had all been hurtled at the wall above his favorite chair, and Tonks felt despair and shame wash over her.

"Oh Remus," she murmured, as she walked to the chair and sat down. She rested her hand where his had smoothed the wood over years of use, and took another deep breath. Glass littered the floor and the seat of the chair she was sitting on, but she had no concern for cuts. If anything, she felt like she deserved them, and a small, wicked part of her was eager to see herself bleed. She sat there for a long time, long enough for the sky to darken to black and then begin to lighten again. A shaft of bright white light found its way to her face the next morning, and she startled awake, cursing the open curtains as she rubbed an arm over her face.

She glanced around and felt her face heat as she realized the damage she had caused. She felt tears threaten again when she noticed one of the pictures she had hurled. It was one of the few of her and Remus together, and it happened to be her favorite. The frame was simple, but the image within shone with happiness. It had been taken before Sirius died, when the three of them had spent so much time together in Grimmauld Place. Tonks had taught them a card game she had learned from one of her muggleborn friends at school, and Sirius was pleased to have called Bullshit on Remus when Remus was in fact lying. He had barked a laugh so loud that Tonks had startled herself as she brought a new round of drinks to the table. She had tripped and fallen into Remus's lap, drenching the pair of them with ale.

She smiled as she remembered her hasty scramble and blurted apologies that had fallen on deaf ears. His arms had closed around her waist as he laughed, and he had planted a kiss on her cheek as he reached for his wand. She had been distracted then, her gaze locked on his and she hadn't even noticed that Sirius had reached for the camera that he kept close at hand. Tonks reached for the photo and pulled it from the broken frame, careful to keep from tearing it.

She stroked a finger over Remus's face and felt a soft smile tug at her lips when photo Remus grinned at photo Tonks. She sighed and pressed it to her breast as she stood. She made her way into the small kitchenette and set the photo on the counter before starting a pot of cocoa. Usually, she liked tea in the mornings, but drinking cocoa helped her feel closer to Remus. She reached for her wand on the counter and turned back to the pile of broken glass and ceramic on the floor. Just as she opened her mouth to utter a cleaning charm, a knock sounded at her door.

Knowing she didn't have time to clean it before answering the door, she waved her wand at a blanket laying on the couch and sent it over to cover the mess. She dragged a hand through her hair to tame it before settling a palm on the door knob.

"Who is it?" She asked, hoping her voice sounded more stern to whoever was on the other side of the door than it did to herself.

"Dora, it's me," came a soft voice that she hadn't heard in weeks.

"Prove it," she said, her voice trembling and her pulse racing.

"Remus John Lupin, werewolf," he said, pausing for a moment. "You have a tiny birthmark on the small of your back, just above the swell of your hips," he said softly, and Tonks heard a gentle thud when his words ended. She didn't need to see him to know that he had rested his forehead against the door, especially when his next words were uttered in a broken, heart-wrenching voice.

"Please, Dora, let me in."

A.N. Please don't hate me, this feels mean, but wonderful at the same time! Angry Tonks is something I haven't seen a lot of, so this was fun. Sorry for the cliff hanger. Part of me wants to keep going, but part of me wants to let you use your imagination. Thanks for reading!

~ Love4lupinalways


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